A discovery

So, here we are.

New blog, new mission.
This blog has been made to follow my attempts at sorting out my life and relationship with God, and is made to document what is happening in my life.

As a quick introduction:

I'm 21 years old, and live in Hampshire in the South of England. I am in my final year at the University of Portsmouth, to which I commute. I live in Andover, and attend Andover Baptist Church. I have been a 'full-time' christian since I was 14, and beforehand attended the same church, but never really gave it my all.

I wouldn't call myself a busybody with the church, however I am happy with my roles in being the only female sound technician, and also a leader in the 8-11/12 year group called Xstream. My smallgroup/housegroup is called Connect, which is for the 18+ ages, which is generally very helpful and loving.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years this March, and love him very much. We are not yet engaged, which often drives me crazy, but we have very good hopes for our future and I hold onto the hope it'll be fantastic.

Since October 2009, I have been struggling to hold onto my faith due to my own fallacies, and also 'blaming' others. Connect changed for a short while, and is now assisting in the running of the Alpha course that has recently started, so Connect has been cancelled. This is the main point of my struggle. I feel as though I don't want to do Alpha, as I myself am falling away, but having been a christian for such a long time, I feel as though Alpha would be patronising and too basic for what I need, however with no Connect running I have no support system in place on a regular basis.
What pulls me onwards is the place I have in the childrens group, and also my lovely friends and support group who encourage me and love me unconditionally.

In 2010/2011, I am taking a year out of education and 'hard life' to try and consider where I next want to go. I am full of ideas, but as somewhat of a perfectionist I am worried that other people will muscle in and take over, and what is left of my ideas will be pushed out.
My main thought and idea for this academic year is to go into Schools to work with Children to teach and help them to find God in their lives and to follow Him. I want to help Christian Unions within schools, to either begin them, or to help the students to run the Unions themselves, as I have often seen many close due to adults leaving or getting too busy to stay and help.
Starting this month, I have just, as of this evening, become a part of the 'Energy' team at the church, which is a team that runs a childrens service quarterly which is always full of life, music, and God, finished by food, games and fun. I am so excited about this, but also nervous that I won't be able to help in the way that would most benefit the team, or teach me new experiences.
I want to learn and develop myself more, however, I am worried that what I choose will ultimately not be what I thought I wanted, as year after year I have got excited about things that have collapsed and failed, and I don't want to live like that anymore.

I have a lot to sort out, and mainly I ask that those who read this will pray that I can find what I need, and follow what I should be.


Verse of the day: [Jesus said,] "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven." — Matthew 5:43-45 (NIV)